...thinker...

...confused again, eh?...haha

...this shouldn't be confusing me...
...things happen...
...am just human...
...wow...i am human...
...i admitted that...
...am not just a body existing in this world...
...that's a change...
...quite a change...


...uhmmm...
...am becoming more and more open...
...when it comes to what i feel...
...yet...
...it still confuses me...
...these emotions...
...feelings...
...often leave me hanging...
...random thoughts would come rushing in...
...a brainstorm...
...a sudden rush inside my head...
...like a waterfall...
...all those thoughts would fall into one place...
..leaving no space...
...for peace or silence...

...appreciation...

...friendship is just for the people going out together...
...having the chance to have fun...
...socializing with one another...



...that's what i thought...
...when i was still inside my shell...
...inside this box...
...with my lifeless toys...



...never thought friendship could be something worth someone's  time...
...worth someone's life...
...worth someone's appreciation...



...friendship...
...a simple thing...
...a simple word...
...making a big difference...
...uplifting people's spirits up...
...lightening things up...
...giving hope...
...building walls of harmony...









...starting to have friends...
...starting to develop feelings...
...starting to open my heart..
...starting to live life...
...starting to appreciate things...
...starting to appreciate people...

...being thankful...

...hahaha...

...one must do things even if it is against his will for the sake of others...

...one must learn how to sacrifice for the benefit of others...

...even if it's killing you...

...even if it's making you feel so small...

...even if it's making you feel so pathetic...

..for the sake of your loved ones...

...you'll learn to lower yourself...

...you'll learn to accept reality...

..you'll learn how to make unacceptable decisions..

...just for them...

...it's hard to keep up...

...really is hard...

...nonetheless...

..you'll not just try...

...you'll do your best shot...

...even if it brings out the worst in you...

...no matter what people would think about you..about the things you do...

...it wouldn't move you...

...what they say woulodn't even make a goddam sense...

...how long...

...how long have you been there?...

...looking at me...

...staring at me?...

...i never noticed...

...i never saw you...

...i thought i was alone...

...thought i was lonely...

...thought someone couyldn't love me...

...thought someone coulnd't accept me...

...someome would let me in...

...let me stay...

..now...

...you're here...

...still am...

...am still confused...
..about reality...
...really is too much to handle...

...lot of things doesn't make sense sometimes...
...just there to be a burden...
...there to hurt...
...to make a heavy heart...

...rain2...

...i stopped...
...i stood in the middle of the street...
...the air is heavy...
...am being suffocated by it's thickness...
...i raised my head...
...looked up...
...at the pitch-black sky where the 'needles' are coming from...
...am getting used to the cold...
...inside out...
...being numb...
...Pain is a wonderful thing...
...it makes me feel alive...
...feeling the pain reminds that am still alive...
...being able to feel...
...i am alive...am i?...


...suddenly the rain stopped...
...but i can still hear the raindrops on the pavement...
...i opened my eyes...
...an umbrella...
...someone is keeping me away from the rain...
...from the pain...
..from my pain...
...i turned about and saw an angelic face of a man smiling at me...
...his smile is friendly though not familiar...
..i hated him from keeping me from the pain...
...but the hatred suddenly faded away...
...i dunno why...
...but i cannot seem to despise him...

...don't expect...

...don't expect so much from me...
...am no superwoman...
...work of six people..
...haha...
...so tired of it...
...this is just too  much...
...am not making decisions so suddenly...
...am not just mad...
...my head is clear...
...so clear that i can see their faults...
...their flaws...



...let them know what i am to them...
...what i am to "that"...LOL...

...attached...

...i just knew this person...
...perhaps for him am just someone who belongs in his circle of friends...
..someone he could talk to whenever he has nothing to do..
...or whenever he feels like it..
..perhaps he's being true to me...
..i believe in the latter...

[...i often take people for granted...family,friends,acquaintances...
..i don't feel like my care or concern would make an impact anyway...
...won't make any difference...
...am just one of the many...
...am ot a loss...
...no one would notice or care if i'd vanish from their lives...
...that's why i take others for granted...
...so it wouldn't hurt...
...in case they'd leave me...
...or just forget about me...
...still...
...it hurts...
...deep inside me i care for them...]


...just like him...
..i don't wanna care for him...
..that much...
...am afraid to be deeply attached to him...
..but can't help it...
...just can't help it...
...he accepted me...
...the way i am....
..without any regrets...
...i dunno if it's real...
..if it's true...
...accepting someone like me...
...but even if it isn't, am still grateful...
...for even in my illusion someone had come to accept me for who i am...
...even though not entirely...
..but at least he did...
...he listened to me...
...my uncanny ideas...
...my awkwardness...
...enduring my eerie presence...


[...even though i don't often show it...
..am very sensitive when it comes to the attention people are giving me...
...i don't like it when people take me for granted...
...just like what people are doing to me often...
..i wanna be noticed...
...be taken....
..i wanna make an impact on others' lives...
...wanna be part of someone's heart...being...
...just like a mere dot...
..a spec...
..it would be nice...
..to know that someone remembers me...
..thinks of me....
..mentions my name...
...that's my hunger...
...hunger for love...
..am hungry for appreciation...
..yeah, am so pathetic...]


...he said he'll be her for me...
...as long as he i wan \t him to...
..a friend...
...perhaps it's just an expression of his...
...just a word of sweetness to make someone feel better...
...but still...
..i trusted those words..
..i hold on to them...
...counting on them...
...because i trust him...
...i believe in him...
...i believe in everything ha says...
...don't care whether it's just a mere joke...
...just a mere thought...i believe him...



..i became so attached to him..
..he became a friend...
...a soul mate...
...even though he doesn't know it, he made a big impact on me...
..he became a part of me...
...even for just a short while..
...that we met...
...i really appreciate him...
...even though he'd rather sleep all day...
...even though his replies are always late...
...even though am just a face among his crowd...
...even though he would take me for granted...
..i'll be here...


...but still, i said am pushing him away...
..hope he didn't get me wrong...
...am just afraid to fall...
...for he'll never catch me...
...know that fall would really hurt...
..fast free fall...
...hurt...
..pain...
..will only add to the agony am already suppressing inside me...


...i wanna show him i care...
...but am afraid to be sweet...
...wanna show him he's appreciated...
..but am afraid he'll get tired of my nagging...
...wanna tell him am here...
...but am afraid to be left behind...
...afraid to be taken for granted...


..i know am not special...

...weird...

...people call me weird...
...for being like this...
...torturing myself...
...feeling awkward towards normal things...
...feeling familiar towards the uncanny...
..strange...
...a strange stranger...

...i don't like being normal...
...pretending to belong...
...feeling like i can be one of them...
...normal...
...jolly...
...at ease...
...fun to be with...
...people call me weird...
..strange...
...awkward...
...insane...
...am used to it...
..every time i tell people what's on my mind, people would tell me am weird...
...the things am saying are eerie..
...out of the ordinary...
...i like weird stuff...
...not necessarily gross though...
...just bewildering...
...baffling...
...can't unwind because of that...
..it's the thing making me feel alive...
..i can think..
...am capable of thinking...
...nevertheless, i could shut myself down...
...for at least a while...
...a short while...
...even for just an hour...
...a minute...
...an inner silence...


...being skin deep...
...just for once...
...being shallow...


...trying to simplify things only makes it a lot more complicated...
...living a simply life is just simply complicated...

6/15/08

...i have been here for eighteen years...18 years pf existing w/o living...
...i exist...
....i interact with the others...
...i laugh...
...i cry...
...i get angry...
...i forgive...
...i make mistakes...
...but still...
...am not living...


...living is different from existing...
...as long as you have a body...a face...you exist...
...but living...
...it requires personality...
...requires life itself...
...you must be distinguished...
...known even among the crowd by friends who sees you...
...am just a face among the crown...
...not even ordinary...
...just a face...
...my existence makes no impact on others' lives...
...not giving anything...
...not sharing a thing...
...providing nothing...
...am just here...
...occupying a space...
...but doing anything about it...
...just that...


...nobody knows who i really am...
..people can't see my intentions whenever i do something...
...thinking all things that are done by me are futile...
...or for my own interest only...
...yeah...maybe am that bad...
...taking advantage on others...
...taking credits on others' expense...
...doing things on my own for my own sake...just my sake...
...not giving a damn if someone might get hurt...
..if someone might get into trouble...
...if someone would hate me for what am doing...
...i just do what i want...
...w/o thinking about the consequences...
...w/o thinking about the others...